Poor Lucy
by NaluKnight
Summary: How will the resident shipwhore of Fairy Tail react when she learns the deepest desires and wishes of her fans? Not lightly, that's for sure. -slight 4th wall breaking- WARNING- do not read if sensitive, some language. ON HIATUS
1. Let's Begin

**First of all, this is a _comedy,_ if you know you might get offended, don't read, it's not that complicated. If you want to start a flame war anyway, try it; see what happens. This is an all dialogue story fyi.**

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Let's Begin

"Welcome back to Guild Challenge! The show that brings in famous mages from around the country to give interviews and their personal outlook on life, brought to you by Lacrima Vision. I'm you're host, Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki, current parfum expert at Blue Pegasus, but you don't care about that. Our next guest is one Lucy Heartfilia, give a round of applause to the resident celestial mage of Fairy Tail!"

CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-WHOO-CLAP

"Hello hello, thank you for having me on your show Ichiya, I'm a big fan actually. That one episode with Mira was great!"

"Meeeeiiinn, the pleasure is all ours my sexy dear. It warms my parfum to hear that; this is a special episode where we will explore your reaction to the different views and opinions had by the many admirers and fans of the mage guilds. Now, here's how this is going to work. You are familiar with what 'fan fiction' is, I presume?

"Why yes, I have heard that it is the work of people who are fans of something, anything really, and they write their stories based on their preferences, using things, places, and persons from whatever it is they are a fan of."

"Very good parfum, that was a detailed explanation, you must have gotten the knowledge from you're side-writing career. You are familiar with 'ships' yes? Well it just so happens that fans of Fairy Tail and the other mage guilds exist all around the world! Yet it is with great regret when I say, that most of these fans seem to think rather highly-STAY FREE MAXIPADS-of you. Meein."

"Excuse me? I don't quite understand, how on earthland is that a bad thing? And what is a maxipad?"

"Well you see, since you seem to be hold the attention of most of these fans, you also seem to hold the intangible rank of 'involved in most ships'. How would you feel for example, if I told you that there exists a story where you engage in sexual relations with Acnologia, the dreaded black dragon of the apocalypse? As for the maxipad, we are obliged to flash the name of our prime sponsors every few minutes, sorry if it is a bother."

"That's no problem at all, and hahaha, that's very funny about Acnologia, there's no way _that_ exist _s_ , he he he... is there!?"

"Why yes, it actually does, and that is just scratching the surface of the iceberg, there are many, _many_ more. Here is a list of all the ships that you have been included in."

"This is _horrible_ , it makes me look like some kind of dirty slut! There's no way I'd ever fuck _Master_ , or _Walrod_ for that matter! What kinds of sick minds does it take to come _up_ with this stuff?! And what's up with all these rape/abuse stories I seem to be star in? Sure I had a negligent father, but these take it to the extreme! HE REFORMED FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

"We'd all like to answer that question miss Heartfilia, our hearts go out to you; nevertheless, this brings us closer to the game segment that we are going to play today, it's called-Opinions Are Golden-and it involves you as well as me. _I_ will flash a name on the Lacrima screen behind us-STAY FREE MAXIPADS-, it will contain a name of anyone, or _anything_ that you have been shipped with as well as a quirky name for you're ship, got it? It will be your job to state whether you are interested in this ship and/or whether you think it is possible as well as what you think about it; in short, your opinion."

"I think I got it, but this seems like it's not gonna end well."

"Pish Posh, no it won't! Now, let's begin shall we? Here we go, the first name is-"

Colu-(Cobra/Erik): The Poisonous Angel

"What, the, hell! Do people really pair me up with this guy, I barely know him?!"

"More than you know miss, I have heard that writers even participate in a 'Colu week'."

"Really, what the hell! Anyway, my opinion-STAY CLEAN MOOSECONDOMS-is what you wanted right? Well, I can honestly say this has no chance of ever happening. I get that, he sort of started to repay for his sins when he joined Crime Sorciere, but really, I don't even think I've ever even _spoken_ to him, let alone harbored feelings for him! Doesn't he like our barmaid at Fairy Tail anyway, Kinana?"

"I do not know, it's _your_ guild after all."

"Well, I recall Mira telling me a so called, _secret_ , the other day... it was that Kinana was _actually_ Cobra's pet snake, Cubellios!"

"Shocking parfum indeed!"

"It seems Cobra still has a subconscious attachment to her; at least that's what Mira says and that girl will ship anything that moves. You have to take her words with a grain of salt you know."

"So this Cobra likes the parfum of purple snakes then?"

"Not just any snake, Kinana!"

"Aaah, he must have a parfum fetish for tentacle porn if he loves a snake. It is no biggie, even I, the sexy Ichiya have partaken in such activities before after all; of course I could not gauge a general opinion for it as all my viewers had passed out. I don't know why they did, I just must be too sexy for my own good, sigh."

"Excuse me as I kindly throw up."

"NO NOT ON MY BODY! You will ruin my arousing aroma!"

"Let's just go on to the next one shall we? Before you can say anything else about tentacles and witches among other things."

"AHAH! I knew you read hentai! I smelled its parfum on you the moment you jaunted in here."

"WHAT! NO! Whatever gave you _that_ idea, I don't read hentai... he he he ha... really I don't! Just please get to the next name before I say anything else I might regret!"

Zelu-(Zeref Dragneel): A Love of Death

"WHAT THE HELL! The immortal dark wizard, my boyfriend? Yeah right! Besides the fact that he's always trying to destroy Fairy Tail, as well as having an unusual obsession with my best friend... well, those should be reasons enough. I guess some people just like his boyish looks, whatever. Anyone who tries to kill Natsu is also an enemy of mine, let it be known to anyone watching. I might not be able to beat you, but I will fight you 'till near DEATH... at which time Natsu will see my broken form and get motivation to whip your sorry ass. Anyway, let's hope the next one is a little less ridiculous Ichiya."

"HAHAHA, I know! These are so _funny_ miss Lucy! NEXT!"

Julu-(Jude Heartfilia): Rapeful Abuser

"HOLY SHIT! WHAT KIND OF SICK PSYCHOS PIT ME IN A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY OWN _FATHER_. HE _WAS_ AN ASSHOLE, BUT NOT A RAPIST! THIS IS DOWNRIGHT FUC-"

"-Ladies and gentlemen, due to a release of seemingly _pent up_ anger of parfum, we will be taking a short commercial break-DINO'S DILDOS-so don't go anywhere, we will be... right back!

COMMERCIAL

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 **Right, well, that's chapter one. If any of you have ideas for a ship, review and tell me.**


	2. Ghosts, Really?

**Some guest said to include Bixlu, so I guess i'll expedite its ranking a bit, since I was eventually going to do that anyway. Review and tell me whether you want to see an actual romance in this story. Thx! And shoutout to my main man, "zorragon", my only follower and/or** **favorite, put in a review on how you're liking it so far! UPDATE- I fleshed out the lalu a little more.**

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Ghosts, Really?

"AAAAND, we're back with Guild Challenge, if any of you are tuning in now, we have just begun our game of 'Opinions Are Golden' with none other than Lucy Heartfilia! She might look angry enough to kill me right now, but that's only because she had some incestual rape parfum stories and ships plagued upon her, nothing to worry about though folks. IT'S ALL FICTION! Hence the term 'fan _fiction'_ , with an emphasis on the ' _fic_ ' and the _'tion'_.

"Ichiya, can we-STAY CLEAN MOOSECONDOMS-just get back to the game now? I think I've calmed down enough from that last one."

"That's good parfum indeed, hm, yes er, well, on to the next one!"

"Let's hope this one is actually feasible."

"Oh don't get you hopes up miss Lucy, anyway I forgot to tell you another rule of this game, if the ship is of someone you _know,_ you must provide further detail as to why or why not it would work out. The first two, granted, you did not really know, however the third on-"

"Do I _really_ have to explain to you _why_ I wouldn't _fuck_ my own father?"

"O-of course not miss... he he, no need to get violent all over again now, heh."

"Just get the next name up there, I'm already regretting this shit."

Bixlu-(Bickslow): Lustful Spirits

"Riiiight, let's get this over with, whew, okay. Well, what can I say about him, not really much; I hardly know Bickslow that well. The first time I saw him must have been right before the Fantasia parade all that time ago. I mean, all he did was conspire with Laxus against the guild and then help Ever turn all of us girls into stone. It's mostly water under the bridge now, and it was good fun when me and Cana fought with him and Freed at the S-Class trials. However, I don't think I'll ever harbor anything other than a mutual camaraderie with him, like I said before... I barely know him. Also, his powers are kind of creepy, no offense."

"Ah that was good parfum-SYBIAN MONSTER-are you glad that you finally got a straightforward one?"

"Uhah, it was very refreshing, whew, it calmed me down a little. Just out of curiosity, in these apparent 'Bixlu' stories, just how does that author go about making me and _him_ of all people fall in love?"

"That fragrance is beyond me miss Lucy, and I have never really delved into those stories before. If I had to take a guess, it would probably have to involve you getting your heart broken initially."

"Wow, are all these writers care about romance and drama?"

"It would seem so, besides the rare parody story."

"Hmmm, that's too bad. I mean, I know that _I_ don't really care for romance in my life right now. A mage's life is way too chaotic for that!"

"I, however, _do_ find time to entice women with my bootylicious looks and sexy body; the GREAT ICHIYA!"

"Calm down Ichiya, this episode is supposed to be about _me,_ remember... STOP DOING POSES AND SIT DOWN!"

"Hmph, fine, then let us proceed to the next name please."

Freelu-(Freed Justine): Runes of thy Heart

"U-um, okay, this is a little weird, I always thought that Freed was hot for Laxus, or at least Mira at the very least. The fans must be pretty blind if they pair me up with this guy. Alright, well Freed pretty much has almost the exact same relationship with me that Bickslow does, and I really don't talk to him all that much... well, except for that one time I made him draw runes around my apartment so that Natsu couldn't get in for a night; the only time I've ever pulled a prank on him!"

"Any other opinions on-SALLY'S SEX PILLOWS-Mr. Justine?

"Uuuh, weeeell... I guess he's really changed ever since the Battle of Fairy Tail. Before that, he was this very quiet person, or so I heard. Now, he's a bit more, what do you call it, _animated_. Still, even though he's now more open with people, I spend most of my time with Natsu and the others."

"So I take it that you are _not_ interested in his parfum?"

"Er.. noooo, I am not interested in Freed or his smell thank you very much; next please."

Lalu-(Laxus Dreyar): Hot and Heavy Lightning

"WWHOOOOO, YEAEEAAH, GOOOO, LALUUUUUU!"

"AAAH! This is the most popular one yet! See how much some of the fans are clapping!"

"I'm sorry, but what? This is one of the popular ones?"

"Well, you know, as your average ship sails."

"Whatever.. oka-wait, I'm confused as to why it's so popular though."

"I believe it is because many fans find Laxus and his parfum to be _hot_ , for lack of a better term. He certainly has a smelly physique. As such, when a fan finds a guild mage to be sexy, like me of course, they usually pair them up with-STAY FREE MOOSECONDOMS-their favorite female character, which happens to be you a lot of the time."

"Does that even make sense?"

"Also I think another reason is because you both have blonde hair."

"WOW! THAT'S NOT SHALLOW AT ALL! Now really, seriously speaking, Laxus is a good comrade, especially after he reformed, but first of all he's over six years older than me! Also, before he reformed, I was quite scared of him to be honest, and I don't actually think I've ever spoken to him one on one. He's changed now of course-SYBIAN MOSTER-but I _really_ am not close to him at all. And.. you know what else?"

"What what?!"

"He's, a little too _big_ for me in more areas than one if you know what I mean."

"Ah yes, the size of his parfum must be too much for you to withstand, my apologies."

"Not sure you got my little innuendo, but whatever. In addition, Laxus is kind of weird with his emotions now, he used to be arrogant and cruel, but now... it's just strange, and I don't see him enough to tell much els-"

"SIR ICHIYA!"

"WHAT IS IT HIBIKI!?"

"LAXUS IS IN THE AUDIENCE!"

"WHERE!? WHERE!? I DON'T SEE HIM!"

"Here he is! Give a round of applause for Laxus Dreyar, the lightning dragon slayer of Fairy Tail!"

"WHOOO, GOOOOOO LAXUSSS! SOOOO HOOOT AND BIIIIG!"

"You fucking assholes! I already told that bitch lady up front that I just wanted to _watch_ the show!"

"No can do Mr. Dreyar, down you go now, see how excited the fans are for your appearance?"

"Tch, fine, whatever... I'll head down."

"Hello Laxus, remember me, the great and sexy Ichiya?"

"Yes I do, and I'd rather that I didn't, thank you very much."

"UWAA! Your words break my smelly heart!"

"Hey Laxus, I didn't know you were into these programs."

"Be quiet blondie. I watch what I want to watch and you better not judge me."

"No need to get angry now, heh heh."

"Now Ichiya, mind tell me why you called me down to the stage here?"

"Oh yes, you must now decide whether or not you like Lucy's parfum."

"Excuse me!?"

"Her parfum if you please."

"O-okay... Uh, I guess I thought she was sort of hot when I first saw her, but we really don't know each other as anything more than guild mates and she's too young for me. Also, the amount of time she spends with Natsu, I'm surprised they haven't started banging yet."

"SH-SHUT UP! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!"

"Hmmm, interesting parfum. And, I must know, are you familiar with any of the Lalu stories out there?"

"Oh... may have heard of a few, but they're all so implausible and most of them are nothing but sex. I appreciate my fans' fascination with my badass muscles, but it'd be nice if they paid attention to other aspects of my character and personality too as well as who I usually hang around with, which is _not_ blondie here."

"You're blonde too!"

"Yeah, but I make it work."

"Oh, stuff i-"

"-Yes yes, well said, we must be moving along now. You are free to go back now Laxus."

"Fucking finally!"

"Shall we go to the next one then Ichiya? I think my whip has actually gotten duller."

"We will get to it, right after these messages from SPUNGA! Creator of the maxipad! Also, stay tuned folks, at the end of the show, we will be hosting a surprise guest who will also be playing the game!"

"WUT! Ichiya, you said no one else was going to be on toda-"

COMMERCIAL

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 **Right, done with chapter 2. on to the next one.**


	3. Eye of the Saber Verse One

**Yo, zorragon and pinkpoodle08, my only followers, drop a review with ship ideas, please. I checked, and Ichiya only has like 15 or so stories that he's linked to on here, such a shame, he's the funniest character in FT if you ask me! Also, check out my other stories! Thx!**

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Eye of the Saber Verse One

"AAAAAANND, WE'RE BACK WITH GUILD CHALLENGE! Lucy Heartfilia is our current guest and she will later be joined by a surprise guest, one who-"

"ONE WHO I DEFINITELY DID _NOT_ KNOW ABOUT STUPIDASS ICHIYA!"

"Ye-yes, well; if we had told you who it was beforehand than it would ruined our parfum surprise!"

"Let me ask you Ichiya, how did this show get so popular in the first place?!"

"Well, besides my obvious sexiness, we did once have a certain mage called Gildartz on the show, maybe you've heard of him; it was the first episode actually. He and I took part in a sacred parfum ritual that binded us for LIFE!"

"Whew, wait 'till Cana finds out."

"Now, without further ado, on to the next name!"

Orlu-(Orga Nanagear): Light of the Goddess

"Wh-who is that again Ichiya?"

"Orga, you know he's the uh... the uh... um... lemme see here... I don't seem to recall his parfum that well... HIBIKI! Research who Orga is right away and tell me, chop-chop!"

"Yes sir! Ichiya, he seems to be the lightning-god slayer of Sabertooth, if I remember correctly, he was the one who took part in that three-way battle between himself, Laxus, and Jura. Of course, he was taken out right away by Jura, a rather weak showing considering how arrogant he was acting."

"Oooh, now I remember his parfum, yes miss Lucy; you must have been locked up in the royal castle when this battle happened, which is why you don't remember him at all."

"Oh that makes sense, I think I vaguely remember him now, light green hair right? Are there really stories with me and this guy? He's almost as big as Elfman!"

"Well, while they are not that popular, they still exist."

"Haaaaah, the disadvantages of having sex appeal; no matter... I shall live with this burden for the rest of my life!"

"Um, miss Lucy, no offense, but.. could you please give your final opinion upon Orga's parfum?"

"Oh, um.. right. Well, he seems sort of decent I gueeees, but I don't know him, so that 'ship' is never going to happen."

"Very well, before we proceed to the next name, I will perform my signature striptease to really get the parfum flowing in this roo-"

"NOOOOOOO!"

"I am so sad, see the tears welling up in my eyes? Even the audience did not want to see my hot and smelly body."

"Um Ichiya.. no offense, but, you should really _not_ do that in public... like ever, see even Hibiki agrees with me."

"WAAAAHHHH, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE MY PARFUM!"

"It's fine really, let's just please get to the next name?"

"sniff, sniff, okay miss."

Rolu-(Rogue Cheney): Darkened Angel, Shadowy Emo

"WHOOO, YEEAAAAHHH, LET'S GOOOOO ROOOOLLLUUUUU!"

"Wow, miss Lucy, this one is quite popular with the fans too it seems!"

"Can't imagine why."

"Would you like to know?"

"Wouldn't you have told me anyway?"

"Oh, well I suppose yes... Anyway I honestly do not know _why_ exactly; he must have some secret parfum that makes people attracted to him!"

"I doubt that's it at all."

"Hmm, well according to my notes, it seems that many a fan finds his mysteriousness and introverted demeanor as alluring and somewhat... _hot and smoldering_."

"Hot and smoldering?"

"Yes-SYBIAN MONSTER-hot and smoldering, why?"

"Well, if we're talking 'smoldering', then I just thought that they would have been talking about Nat-... never mind."

"Wait, what parfum is this? You think someone to be hot and smoldering? But who? Who is this Nat person? I have never heard such a strange name before."

"Oh, um... he's not from around here; he's uh, from far beyond the western continent... yeah, that's it."

"If you say so sexy miss."

"Don't push it Ichiya."

"Right right, hoo ha. Well, we seem to have gotten off the point; your opinion on Rogue Cheney?"

"Let's see... I know he's the shadow dragon slayer, and to be perfectly honest, when I first saw him, I thought he was much more powerful than he let on, due to the fact that he was just so _quiet_ and _closed off_ compared to his partner. There's more that could be said of course; do you want the long version or the short one?"

"Long please, it will allow viewers to ogle my muscles even more-PERRY'S POCKET PUSSIES-and will also increase our ratings!"

"Not the answer I was expecting, but okay. So you know how nobody really got to see Rogue fight all-out until the tag-team battles right?"

"Ah, yes I remember those, if only my parfum had worked!"

"Anyway, when it came time for Natsu and Gajeel to fight Sting and Rogue, I was actually quite nervous, but I didn't let it show. It's like they say, the quiet ones are usually the strongest.. Mystogan was a good example of that as well as Zeref, so I was worried for Natsu no doubt; nobody had yet seen the full extent of Rogue's powers. Needless to say, I was quite underwhelmed when I witnessed Natsu taking out _both_ Sting and Rogue by himself, quite easily too. He _had_ promised me that much, but that fire dragon's really something else huh? drool drool."

"I, am confused... are we still talking about Rogue or has your path switched to that of Mr. Dragneel's?"

"WHAT! Whatever gave you that idea?! He he, my _path_ hasn't switched at all. Er... yeah so that's it by the way, my initial opinion of Rogue was basically off base. Also, future Rogue still gives me nightmares sometimes, no offense to the current one; he's still a very good person and he's changed since the Grand Magic Games concluded; he is just _not_ my type."

"It would seem that way miss Lucy. After all, all the stories involving a 'Rolu' are usually under the tragedy or drama category."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Weeeeell, let's just say that stories involving you and mages from Sabertooth often have a recurring theme."

"A recurring theme; what is it then?"

"It usually involves some.. uh what do they call it, um, er... Hibiki!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"What do they call it when a fan writer makes one of the characters in their story act differently than they would in real life? It's slipping my parfummed mind."

"Uuuuh... it says here that that is referred to as, Out of Character, or OOC for short."

"YES! Now I-STAY FREE MAXIPADS-remember, yeeeess, it is called OOC. Yes miss Lucy, many of the so called Rolu stories are OOC."

"OOC how?

"Well, I'll give you an example, you know the difference between and AU story and a non-AU once I presume?"

"Of course, I _am_ a writer after all."

"Well these stories usually are _not_ AU, especially the Rolu ones, and they usually bash on a certain dragon slayer."

"Who, Gajeel?"

"No... Natsu."

"WHAT!-STAY CLEAN MOOSECONDOMS-Why?"

"The experts claim that these fan authors frequently perceive him as an obstacle. So instead of being creative, they simply make Natsu OOC. And of course, what do you do whenever there is a wall in the path? You simply remove it."

"How exactly are they bashing him?"

"It usually involves him either breaking your parfum heart or being mean to you in _some_ way or another as well as the cliched 'kicking Lucy off of the team'."

"Huh... That's interesting, and kind of disturbing really. Natsu would never act like that in reality. He may be a little hyper, but he's certainly one of the most caring people I've ever come across, though he's mostly like that towards me for some odd reason. Mira and my mother are the others of course... Hmmm, actually... Lisanna is very caring too now that I think about it."

"OOOOH! I knew I missmelled some parfum, Lisanna is another OOC aspect-SYBIAN MONSTER-of Mr. Dragneel in these stories. They often involve him taking up a romantic relationship with her and shunning you."

"Now... ..ha hah ha ha he hi hi hee hoo ha ha ha ha, excuse me it's just sooo funny, hm hmm huh, ha haaa... Okay, I'm good. Now, that really _is_ odd. Ever since Lisanna has come back from Edolas, I've actually had to scold Natsu several times for not spending enough time with her. He barely talks to her anymore, it's amazing really! Not that she's lonely, but still. And I can't ever see my totally dense best friend as a romantic, that's freaking hilarious!"

"HAHAH! You're right miss sexy, such good parfum!"

"Riiiiiight... Whew, is that all for the 'OOC' nonsense that they do for Natsu?"

"Um, well the more _blatant_ writers use another technique, one that often leaves _your_ character in the story a depressed and/or suicidal emo of a girl, turning you into a perfect foil for our Mr. Cheney."

"Hah, and what's that?"

"I don't really want to say, it's bad parfum, and you're kind of scary when angered... no-SYBIAN MOSNTER-offense."

"Oh come ooon, nothing's going to happen Ichiya, just tell me."

"Fine, just please don't hurt me! A lot of fan writers who ship you with Sabertooth members often turn Natsu into a sadistic and vile rapis-"

"-MOTHERFUCKER! NOT THIS MESSED UP RAPE SHIT AGAIN! THERE'S NO _FUCKING_ WAY MY CLOSEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD EVER DO THAT TO ME! ARE THESE PEOPLE EVEN MY FANS OR ARE THEY FUCKING CRAZY?! YOU'RE _DEAD_ ICHIY-"

"-Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to head for a small commercial break, because the sexy Ichiya is currently running for his life... and his parfum."

COMMERCIAL BITCHES(PERRY'S POCKET PUSSIES)

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 **Well, there's chapter 3. I actually wrote another story recently called "Compendium of Banality", where I apparently did some Graylu bashing, according to one of the comments. The dude said he liked Graylu, but he read the story anyway... weird huh?**


	4. What Happened to Verse Two?

**Thank you zarragon, I was going to do Stilu anyway and** **nalu is a secret for now. I'm surprised I even got 10 followers for this; I checked most of your profiles and you're all pretty eclectic in your ship preferences, so I'm surprised you like this story when I might end up bashing your ship, but no harm, no foul. If any of you have ideas and or comments/opinions about the story, please leave a review; they're fun to read! Also a** **guest requested lalu for some reason, even though I already did it. UPDATE!-So I went back and edited chapters one and two to have more content, so go and look at those if you want more lalu bashing. UPDATE- I see you leefruit with all the smut! Me Gusta!**

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What Happened to Verse Two?

"Welcome back to Guild Challenge, the 69th ranked show in Fiore! Our ratings this show have been off the charts though! It may or may not have to do with the significantly murderous intent emanating from a certain: Ms. Heartfilia."

"ICHIYA! Take these fucking magic cuffs off of me so I can pummel you! How dare you say that about Natsu!"

"Oh come come; let your parfum soothe and pacify you, I do not want to die _yet_. Not before I get the chance to impart my holy essence of parfum upon a girl."

"Is that an innuendo for 'I'm a 37 year old virgin', because.. that's reeeaally _not_ something that you should yell out on national lacrima vision."

"I AM NOT A VIRGIN!"

"Yeah you are."

"NO! I'M NOT! Women desire my parfum very much. It makes me a real myyyaaaannnnn of meeeinnnn."

"Really? Then who had the undying privilege of taking _your_ virginity?"

"..."

"..."

"MEEEEEEEEIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN!"

"HAHAHAHA, ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING!? ALL THAT REJECTION FORCED YOU TO CHANGE SIDES!? AHAHAHAHA!"

"WHAT NO! It just stumbled out! Here, I will show you just _why_ I am so desirable. POWER PAR _FUM_! UUUAHHHAAUGGGGAAAAHHHUUUAAHHH!"

"It's blinding me!"

"Whooo, meeinn. Check out these sexy muscles."

"Oh gawd! If wasn't cuffed right now I'd be running away in terror!"

"Meeeeiiin! Draw me like on of your French girls!"

"Why?! Why must I be subject to such torture!? This is worse than that time everyone in Magnolia transformed into Ichiyas except for me and Natsu!"

"How dare you, miss par _fum_ sexy?! That was the most beautiful sight my meeeiinn eyes have ever laid eyes on! They threw me in jail not because it was evil, but because it was sadly too _enticing_ for this world of ours."

"Did I ever tell you that I think you're crazy by the way?"

"Oh hush, n-..."

"What!? What is it now?"

"MEEIIINNN! I have just realized that I do not have a sidekick! All the other top shows have them, so why not me?"

"Who would be your sidekick first of all?"

"I know just the right man for the job, or should I saaay- RABBIT!"

"Ah, hullo everyone, I was backstage and now... I am the faithful sidekick!"

"Ichiya, we all know it's fucking Nichiya under that costume; I don't know _how_ he works it though."

"MY SIDEKICK! Yes, bring me the parfum of youth meeiinn!"

"Ichiya, this is a bad id-"

"-MEEIINNN, YESSSS! I love having a parfum sidekick. My show's ranking will skyrocket from 69 to 420!"

"Are you even listening to me?! And how the hell is 420 better than 69!? UUMMPH, if these cuffs weren't here, I swear I would 'Lucy kick' you and that damn rabbit to the moon and back!"

"Well, now you see _why_ thou art cuffed miss sexxy! As for your other question, in Fiore, ranking is inverted so that 1000 is the best, and anything less than zero is amazingly horrible!"

"Just how bad _is_ this show!? And here I thought it was the other way around!"

"Now you see... why we have to use my looks and personality as well as those of Rabbit here to boost our rankings. MEEEIIINNN!"

"MEEEIINNN!"

"Oh, not you too Hibiki! Ichiya, as much as this has been _eye-opening_ for lack of a better word, let's please get on with the next name. I _promise_ I won't strangle you as much when this is over if you flash the next ship right now."

"Ugh,... alright, we shall go on."

S-

"TRICKED YOU! The rest of the name shall be revealed after these short messages from PERRY'S POCKET PUSSIES!"

" _MOTHER_ FU-"

COMMERCIAL

* * *

 **You know there's only 15 or so stories on here involving ichiya? Such a shame. Anyone worrying about Ancient Outlook, don't worry, I just had to take some time to relearn how to play lacrosse before writing the next chapter, which is why it's taking longer. UPDATE- whoo, got a follower under twenty minutes after releasing a chapter! New record, thank you wolfslayergirl17, totally agree with you on the cliche crap!**


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